


Hysteria

by justanotherheller



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Tragedy, Dead Castiel (Supernatural), Dead Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester in Heaven, Eileen Leahy Lives, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Hysteria, I Made Myself Cry, I'm Sorry Sam Winchester, Lonely Sam Winchester, M/M, Mental Instability, POV Sam Winchester, Past Castiel/Dean Winchester, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 00:40:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28591161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justanotherheller/pseuds/justanotherheller
Summary: Everyone keeps talking about Cas going to turbo hell and Dean dying on a nail, but not too many talk much about Sam having to live in a world without any of his truly loved ones. Not saying that none do or that I'm not pissed about Cas and Dean's ending. I'm focusing on something else here for now. I don't know about others, but to me Sam did NOT look happy as they showed him grow old in the last episode of the show. Not sure if those forced smiles and tired look was scripted or Jared's acting choice but personally, I hated seeing him like that. I hated seeing that Sam dragged himself through time and only looked truly relieved and at peace at his last moment on earth.I've been thinking about what he would have gone through before he had to accept that Dean was gone for real this time reached that point where it started to itch if I don't write it down so here goes nothing. The only thing i'm fixing is that Eileen is aliveAnd I apologize for any grammatical mistakes, I'm not a native English speaker. If you find any factual errors, please do forgive me. I know I can get this beta read but I want this to be pure and untouched 'cause this is me venting.Go through what I went through for a month and a half.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Kudos: 16





	Hysteria

**Author's Note:**

> Everyone keeps talking about Cas going to turbo hell and Dean dying on a nail, but not too many talk much about Sam having to live in a world without any of his truly loved ones. Not saying that none do or that I'm not pissed about Cas and Dean's ending. I'm focusing on something else here for now. I don't know about others, but to me Sam did NOT look happy as they showed him grow old in the last episode of the show. Not sure if those forced smiles and tired look was scripted or Jared's acting choice but personally, I hated seeing him like that. I hated seeing that Sam dragged himself through time and only looked truly relieved and at peace at his last moment on earth.
> 
> I've been thinking about what he would have gone through before he had to accept that Dean was gone for real this time reached that point where it started to itch if I don't write it down so here goes nothing. The only thing i'm fixing is that Eileen is alive
> 
> And I apologize for any grammatical mistakes, I'm not a native English speaker. If you find any factual errors, please do forgive me. I know I can get this beta read but I want this to be pure and untouched 'cause this is me venting.  
> 
> 
> Go through what I went through for a month and a half.

Sam sucked in a loud sob as Dean’s forehead pressed onto his shoulder. His grip loosened and his hand fell limply by his side. This was it. No resurrections this time. His fingers dug into Dean’s jacket and he held onto his brother with his dear life. 

_Lost_. A voice in him mocked.

And for the first time in his existence, he felt utterly and completely alone.

When Dean had been in purgatory he had felt almost this way. But this time it was different. This was the end for real. No more Chuck, no running around in a maze, no more adventures. He was just another hunter now. Just another hunter that lost all his family. “You either die too young or live long enough to see everyone you love die” was the hunters’ motto anyway. His grip on Dean’s jacket tightened as panic settled over him.

Something in him snapped and he quickly lifted Dean’s head off his shoulders and pressed his fingers on the pulse point of his neck. There was no way he was going to feel anything there but he believed that if he can go all these years without losing hope, he can hold onto it now too. Frustrated at not getting a pulse he takes in deep breaths and lets them out to calm himself down and checks again. He grunts in frustration and grabs Dean by his collar and jerks him up.

“Why’d you go? Why now?” his anger melted into devastation as Dean’s head lolled forward and then something dawned on him.

Not too long back, he had said that it was okay and that Dean could let go. But he had totally forgotten about that. Once again he accepted that his brother was in peace. Yes, it hurt like hell. But Dean is in heaven now. He’s free. The thought of his brother finally finding peace and not spending another moment in this cruel and merciless world tugged a smile at the corner of his lips but it flickered away.

He hugged his brother with one of his hands going over his shoulders and the other right below the rebar lodged into his back and slowly started pulling him off of it. The sound that followed was sickening and his gut twisted in agony. Gritting his teeth, he gives a strong tug and has Dean buckling into his arms.

* * *

He barges into the bunker, grabs Miracle, and drives straight to Pontiac, Illinois. He went looking for that stretch of land he had buried Dean in, the first time he died. That time Dean had come back to him after four months. He wasn’t hoping for a resurrection this time but that kid in him that always looked up to his big brother, believed in him, and always knew that he’d come back, had taken over the wheel. He wasn’t Sam Winchester or Samuel or Moose right now. He was Sammy. A hurt and lost Sammy without his big brother.

On the road, he kept on receiving texts and calls from Eileen. After a few, he just couldn’t take it anymore and threw the damn thing out his window. Miracle wouldn’t give up trying to scramble into the backseat to curl in Dean’s lap but Sam would hold him back. A few more barks and Sam loses it. The brief yelling has Miracle whining and then going quiet, and Sam regrets it instantly, but he doesn’t know what to do, and miracle doesn’t even let out a yelp for the rest of the journey.

He couldn’t think straight and had no control over his emotions throughout the drive. If he was a sobbing mess now, he’d be angry enough to want to rip off the steering wheel the next minute or smile painfully and try to be happy for having his brother’s suffering end. It took him a couple of hours to go numb and drive at a speed that had nothing to do with his emotions. Once in a while, he’d turn around and countless emotions play on his face but then the numbness kicks in again and he drives ahead.

* * *

Washing away the blood and wiping down Dean’s body, Sam felt nothing but irritation. There was no one he could blame and that was just even more frustrating. He couldn't blame Chuck, or anyone else for that matter. He could always blame the dead vamp but it wouldn’t help. It wouldn’t bring his brother back. He dressed him in red flannel over a black t-shirt and jeans. He was about to wrap him up in white sheets but Dean didn’t look like himself without a jacket. He rummages through Dean’s duffel bag and finds a black one. The fabric felt oddly familiar under his touch but he shrugs off the feeling and walks over to Dean and puts it on him. He gave the jacket a final tug and saw that it was a little tight on Dean. He frowned as he thought back. Dean hadn’t put on weight over the years. If anything, he might have lost a pound or two after losing Cas.

Cas. Another loved one he’d lost. Not only did he lose Cas but he also had to watch Dean trying his best to get through every minute, down every beer until he’s numb and passes out of the floor, and forgetting to take showers or even eat. Just when he had thought that watching Dean mourning his lost love was tearing him apart, this happens.

The frown leaves his face as he realizes that Dean had this very jacket on himself when he had barged into his apartment ,the night it all started to tell him that “Dad’s on a hunting trip and hasn’t been home in a few days”. Huffing dryly at the memory, his fingers slip into pocket by pocket of the jacket to see if Dean had kept something in them. The jacket clearly didn’t fit him well. He had grown out of it. If he was carrying it around, which only Dean knows how long he has been, then it was possible that he could have had something in its pockets. His fingers twitch as he feels the cold metal at the tip of his fingers in one of them. He hastily grabs it along with the leather chord and his eyes pool again with tears and they stream down as he dangles it before himself. It was the amulet. The wave of sobs hits him again as he slowly slips them over Dean’s head.

His eyes were sunken and the freckles could no longer be seen. Weary lines ran across his forehead, at the corner of his eyes. The innocence and softness of Dean Winchester’s face were lost and what was left behind was just a worn body. On the table before Sam, was the body of one of the greatest hunters to have ever lived. The body of a man who killed Hitler, Lucifer, and Death himself. What he couldn’t find in that face was the man who gave love selflessly, never asking anything in return. He couldn’t find his brother in that face. He takes in a deep breath in pride that breaks into a dry sob of agony and takes one last good look at his brother before he has him going up in flames.


End file.
